Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
