When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
