Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Randomize
