There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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