Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
