it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
