highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
