We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
