dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
