my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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