tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize