I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
