Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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