Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
