You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
