woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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