How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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