Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
