You really coming over, don't trick.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
