finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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