How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
