Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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