the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
