I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize