Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
