We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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