If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
