I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
