Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
