i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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