at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
