You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize