I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
