He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
