OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
