i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
