Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
