dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
