Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
