Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
