that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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