I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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