Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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