take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
