I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
