Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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