Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
