At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
