Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My liver just broke up with me...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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