this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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