Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
