Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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