There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
