I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
