I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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