remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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