I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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