have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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